Just Start With Today

It's Monday. I was diagnosed with cancer last Wednesday. Not even a week. And I didn't even start the "very small dose of a medication that is technically chemo, but you shouldn't have any side effects at this dose, except maybe mouth sores" (cue severe PTSD reaction in doctor's office) until Thursday, so today is only Day 5 of Chemo. The thing is, I am having side effects. I wake up dizzy every day. I'm exhausted--fatigued maybe? But today it is diarrhea. Multiple episodes. No fever, so it's not a virus. It started first thing in the morning, so it's not any type of withdrawal type thing or anything like that, plus they upped the dose of my Intrathecal Pump, so that wouldn't make sense anyways. 

And of course I have plans tonight with Amy from photography school who's moving to Baltimore with Lucas in January. (And I'm so happy for them, but I'm going to miss Amy so fucking much.) I was supposed to see her this last time for dinner tonight, and of course I wanted to tell her about the diagnosis in person. And now, because of these damned side effects, I don't know if I'll be able to go. I guess I'll give it another couple of hours to see how I'm feeling.

I have so much more to say. About how I got diagnosed. About my fucking last PCP who is incompetent for sure, negligent quite possibly. I'm so god damned fucking livid with her that that's going to have to be it's own fucking post. She quite possibly ruined my life. I may eventually need a BMT because of her. That fucking negligent bitch. I'm going to fucking nail her to the wall. (Not physically, of course.) I just don't ever want her touching another patient ever again in her life.